Curiosity is the Antidote to Contraction

It’s easy to forget that we are biological beings.

And it’s always good to remember: we’re not gods, just incredibly developed apes who have created for themselves powers and technology that look godlike.

And sometimes our biological nature is right in our face: in sickness, when our hormones shift perceptably, when we have to go to the bathroom, when arousal takes over.

Or, indeed, when we see red.

When something trips our system and we find ourselves far, far away from the rational, computer-like being we pretend to be.

It’s easy to see with a toddler, because it’s all over their face. They switch into the red and out of the red at a moment’s notice (or, at least, mine do).

Adults are different. We’ve all learned to become masters of disguise, hiding what’s going on inside us with incredibly skill so that our friend can be signed off work with severe anxiety and we didn’t even notice.

So you can’t always see when someone else is tripped. That’s why codewords and ground rules can help. The Conscious Leadership Group and Brené Brown use the shorthand: am I above or below the line?

When people are briefed on it, it’s a powerful tool for helping collaboration happen in complex organisations. It allows us to begin to notice what’s happening inside us, and to discuss that with others.

What’s happening is that we are sometimes run by fear.

That’s ‘below the line’. That’s what Stephen Porges’ Polyvagal Theory would call ‘Threat State’. And it’s happening because some part of us - probably an ancient part, evolved for simpler times - thinks we aren’t safe: it thinks our life is on the line.

Probably, it’s a short circuit, ill-suited for today’s world. Mostly, when we’re caught off guard or embarrassed by a colleague in a meeting, our life isn’t really on the line. But some part of us doesn’t know that.

A few thousand years ago, threat state probably helped. Occasionally it still does.

But for most of the most important work we do, threat state is a problem.

Connecting to others, learning, being creative; these things aren’t possible when we see red.

We need to shift our state into what Porges et al would call the ‘Social Engagement State’. What the Brown or the Conscious Leadership Group would call ‘Above the Line’.

This is where our best work is done - this is where we can tap into the wisest, noblest, most skilful version of ourselves.

And one thing helps us do that. I learned it years ago from a conversation between my brother and Guy Sengstock. I learned it again from the groundbreaking trauma therapist Peter Levine. And I see it all the time in my life and my work.

Curiosity.

Like breath is the line between the conscious and unconscious behaviours in our body - the only one of our internal processes we can consciously affect - curiosity is the line between threat and social engagement.

As I write in The Power to Choose, inspired by Sengstock’s words: Curiosity is the Antidote to Contraction.

When we can find it in ourselves to be curious, we can begin to shift. We can create even a tiny space around our sense of threat… so that we can choose.

That’s not easy to do, but it is powerful.

When the world contracts around you and your sense of threat engages…

See if you can become curious.

See if you can notice what’s happening.

See if you can get interested.

Remember, it’s not always about the chicken.

And remember: you’re just an animal after all, and all animals see red sometimes.

—

PS In my latest book, The Power to Choose: Finding Calm and Connection in a Complex World, I dedicate more than 9,000 words to the idea that Curiosity is the Antidote to Contraction. If you sense this idea could be powerful for you, you can get your copy here: https://geni.us/powertochoose

PPS You may have received a strange email from me last week, with no content. My mailing list provider malfunctioned - those who have been on this list more than a couple of months will know this isn’t the first time. MailerLite have been getting some considered but forceful messages from me. Thank you for staying with me: it means a lot.

This is the latest in a series of articles written using the 12-Minute Method: write for twelve minutes, proof read once with tiny edits and then post online.